Alexander Sandoval
Alexander Sandoval with son, Alex
Alexander Sandoval is from Highland Park, Illinois. Last summer, he was at the 4th of July parade with his son and little brother when a gunmen opened fire on parade-goers, killing seven people and injuring 45 others. Alexander shares what life has looked like for him in the year since that event.
Before the [shooting in Highland Park], I was free. My mind was free. My heart was pure. And I loved life. If I wasn't that type of person, I wouldn't have woken up at 7 in the morning and gotten a seat right in front for the parade and bought donuts, and put my blanket down so that I could have a great spot.
And now, [after the shooting], you’re caged in your thoughts, in your fears. The innocence has been taken away.
Because, even when I pull out of my driveway now, they're working on the roof across the street, you just hear, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. And [the shooting] is the first thing that comes to my mind, and I'm like, I don't want to think about that.
But now you’ve gotta adapt to your environment and your reality, and the reality of this country. it’s not about the reality of the south side, it’s not about the reality of Waukegan, it’s the reality of this country now because it happens anywhere, everywhere. I think about the shooting every time I go to Costco. The Lot here in Highland Park. Church. I don’t even know what place to say that you will be safe.
”There's been a lot of things that I've been through in my life. Like if you know me, if you could read into my life, you would see holy cow like my life has been very... it's been beautiful. I lived an amazing life.
I grew up in Highland Park and I got the best out of Highland Park because I was involved in leadership organizations in high school. I was involved in sports. I was a leader for my Mexican classmates in the sense of joining Hispanic organizations but also being a stand-up proud Mexican that could relate to an immigrant that showed up to Highland Park High School and didn’t know any English or showed up to our place, and they're like, “Hey, Alex, can you show me around?” I can have that rapport and that bond because I grew up fully immersed in both cultures.
I worked for the Mexican Consulate in China and in Beirut. I lived in Beijing in a penthouse, I had a driver, expense accounts, tailored suits, custom design shirts. Then it all falls down because the political situation in Mexico changed, the whole project goes down the drain. So I come back here and the next day from living like that, I'm cutting someone's yard again, helping my dad with his landscape, and it's like life goes on. Life goes on.
I married my girlfriend, and we had a beautiful baby boy. Then, later things happened and I said “I'm not going to put my baby through this because I don't want him to grow up seeing us fight and having that anxiety.” I saw my parents fight a lot and I didn't want him to go through that.
It’s been great in the long run because I've had such a great time raising Alex and he's such a colorful, beautiful little boy that he brings happiness to the world and to have someone try to take that away from my life was the scariest thing that anyone could ever go through.
I didn't really sleep that night. My son, Alex, told me that night, at the end of all the havoc, he's like, “Dad, why did that boy ruin the parade? All I wanted to do was see the princesses.” Alex loves every single Disney princess, sings every single Disney song, princess song. He said, “I just wanted to see the princesses.” He started crying. And then that made me feel bad. So I didn't really sleep that much. And when I did wake up after a little bit, it was like, I can't believe that it happened here. I was still in shock.
Overall, since that event, a lot has changed in my life. I never went back to the job that I was a part of. I took a lot of time off to figure out where I was going to feel safe again. It was in the summertime, our kids weren't going to school. Obviously my five-year-old and my six-year-old were highly affected by it, as well as us, but first they were. So our goal was to just make sure my son was okay, my stepdaughter was also okay, and just take everything in because it was just so much going on when it happened: the initial shock, the feelings, the emotions that we were all going through, and then the FBI, the news, it was just everything.
I started going to therapy, but it's been hard for me to identify what PTSD is. The heightened level of being always cognizant of certain noises and people around you is something that affects me now. Things that I never had anxiety over before, which have nothing to do with the shooting, but now that part of my brain has been infected. Certain anxieties are magnified. It doesn't have to be imagery of the shooting, it’s certain things that stimulate your brain in a magnified way now. Things that were already there, but now they’re in your mind and that's been something that I've been dealing with.
The innocence has been taken away from that free spirit in us. It’s like you're caged in your thoughts, in your fears.
I was working for a paint company and I remember I went back to a paint job and I went to the paint store and the device on top of the door exploded and shattered the whole door. I ran behind the counter and I told the people to lock the door. And they were like, “No, it was just that thing exploded.”
But it was because you think back to the shooting. And that’s when I thought, man, I’m messed up. I left and I got in my car and I broke down. I broke down, I think, for the first time. And I had a lot of feelings come out.
People have to realize that this changes your lives forever. And while you don't want people to feel bad for you, people need to understand that this instance does change you in every way, even though you're living your best life. During your day, during a celebration, during your drive, during every trip to Costco or a restaurant…even walking up here. It's always in your mind. Innocence of life, your daily routine, has been taken away, because this never ends. Because you always think about that. I don't want to think about it. But it's already there, it's always there.
Before the parade I never thought about mental health. And now I'm going through a roller coaster of things. My relationship with my partner has been hard because we both went through it. And I, as a man, it's hard for me to open up in front of them.
It's hard for me to show them those feelings and kind of not worry about just being positive and being protective and showing them that the world is safe and that I'm here and that I'm around them. A couple of nights ago before I went to sleep, my son started crying.
I'm like, “Alex, why are you crying?”
He says, “because I don't want you to die.”
My relationship with me and my son is very special as his primary caretaker, and I've been fully immersed in his life. So when he tells me that, I have to be like - my tonality has to be totally different - and be like, “oh, you’re just silly, I'm not gonna die. I'm gonna be here.” But deep inside, you know, it’s horrible just to, to think how do I explain that to him? Because he is so imprinted in me, not only as my son, but through this experience because I was his protector, I was his hero in his eyes. And he knows that.
As time went on, I needed to generate income for my family to make up for the loss of time at work. I've always been a flower designer, and I've always liked nature and been an artistic person. In December, I started doing winter planters for a couple of people and some people reached out and I was very blessed for that. It brought some joy because Christmas is a beautiful time of the year. Doing something that was stimulating my mind artistically and intellectually gave me this form of peace. I was thinking, what am I going to do now? Then I decided I'm going to start doing planters and flowers. I've always freelanced here and there for floral design companies. And in the spring, I decided to reach out to those customers and let them know. And I was again blessed with some people who were interested.
As soon as the weather got to the point where I could plant things, I started doing planters. And I was working part-time at a restaurant at night time. Now we're into the spring, and Mother's Day came, and all of a sudden I'm slammed with all these people that want to beautify their home and their entryway and their lives and this is the most beautiful way to do it and it helps me and it gives me life and it gives me safety.
To be able to design a flower arrangement and capture someone's image of flowers and put them into life is a gift.
A hummingbird came and was on my flowers and I couldn't take my phone out fast enough. And my logo has a hummingbird on it. And the name of my company is called Pots. And there's a pot, leaves, and the flower is a hummingbird. It's an Aztec Mayan hummingbird. And this talented Highland Park person offered to design it for me. So with my ideas, she put it together. And that's my logo, and that's what I'm proud of, and that's what I need to do for my mental health, for my child, and to make a living. And that's it.
I built this beautiful altar in October during the Day of the Dead; one night I just started going and I just kept going all night. I brought home some flowers and I built this beautiful altar and I shared it with my community. I invited people into my house and people came and it was nice, people came and even spiritual things happened. ...
Alexander’s Day of the Dead altar
There's a big piece of art in my house and one night it just fell and shattered a mirror table. But that art piece has been there forever and it was scary. And it's because there was people in the spirit world visiting our altar piece that were upset because their life was taken unjustly. And that was the most weird thing because I put that piece of artwork back up, and I didn't change the nail and it never fell again. It's a very spiritual situation and it's so odd.
[Celebrating Day of the Dead is] an integration of culture, mourning, celebration, and experience in Highland Park. 35% of the people lined up on that street were Hispanic and we are and have been a strong part of Highland Park for years, part of the infrastructure of this whole community. We're here and we're part of it and it affected us all.
I want to bring something together to my community and share it from my perspective, as a Latino growing up in Highland Park and as a Latino greeting and celebrating the life of some of the people who passed away and sharing my passion for the art and flowers and my culture. That’s why I want to bring the Day of the Dead celebration and invite my entire community to understand our culture. To understand that death is a celebration of that person's life. And we're never going to forget the people who passed away here, and we should all celebrate their lives.
This shooting happened in a community that has a voice. I don't have time to go and march in DC. I don't have the discipline to be on my phone calling my senators. But my community and the people who have that ability and that education to be able to call Senator Dick Durbin, or take a flight to DC on the weekend and go to our senators' offices, and be at these rallies - Those people who are resilient and don’t give up, they’re a blessing because those are the people creating change.
I have to worry about generating my monthly rent and taking my kid to school, dealing with my imbalance of thoughts, all of that, and I don't have time for that. All I can do is what I can, and what I can provide is creating an event like the Day of the Dead celebration.
Why? Because that's something that I can do. That's my way of, you know, touching your heart, and my heart and my community's heart. Everybody can do a little bit. We just do it a different way.
When you receive a flower arrangement all you do is see good things - I decided this is my calling, my safe place, my purpose. My purpose is to make people feel good and to make myself feel good and to share my passion. It's created a life for me and every successful person that has done things has gone through many failures in their life and at the end of the day your passion is your drive and if you're passionate about something and you can make money out of it then it's not a job, it's a purpose and that's my purpose now.
My purpose is to have the freedom to take my son to school, have the freedom to take him to therapy, have the freedom to, if you're not having a good day, just stay. And if I'm not having a good day, take a break, you know. And I have that freedom now. And it's busy, but it's beautiful, it's safe, it's rewarding, it's colorful, and it's in my community. And I'm right here, and I'm making my purpose a reality, and sharing it with my customers, because they have to be happy. They see something beautiful as the first thing they see when they walk out their door and the first thing they see when they come home and it's just bringing good energy into your house and leaving with good energy. That's what life's about, trying to look at the positive things, the little things that make us happy.