Harold Ng

**Harold Ng**
*Northern Illinois University*

Harold was sitting in class at Northern Illinois University on February 14th, 2008 when a former student opened fire.
**5 students were killed and 17 injured that day.**

When Columbine happened, we were so young, so it was just like, “Oh, it happened, it’s not going to happen to me, you know?”. Then we’re in college, and it was like, “[Virginia Tech] happened at a college campus. Definitely freaky, but it won’t happen to us. And then, sure enough, it happened.

A PAST REVISITED

I went through stuff that I don’t wish upon anyone. [It happened] in the middle of class. Why was it this time around that I sat in the back? You go in that downward spiral, and it's like, why did I survive?

When I got injured, it was the shrapnel from the blast of the shotgun shell, I guess. Essentially shrapnel in the back of my head.

But what's interesting is mine happened in 2008. So it's like the early stages of Twitter of Facebook, all the social media was just beginning. So in short form like newspapers, all that, that was me.

I remember my dad was like, “We don't want this to go to Hong Kong or anything like that. We don't want to scare grandma,” and sure enough, that was the picture of me on the gurney. And then I was on Newsweek. So, in newspapers, that was me. I guess whatever generation we call them now, they'd be like, what is that?

[Afterward] I put myself in isolation because I didn’t want to believe or think that people would understand. I was pretty much healed in three weeks, so it was, in that sense, minor. But, the aftermath—the after-effects—is where it hurts because you’re like, “Why me?” I think the after-effects, or the aftermath is actually harder to deal with than the tragedy itself.

I rushed the healing process, which I think probably hurt me more than it should have. I basically did all the things that the books told me not to do. I’m ok now, but at that time, I think rushing the process wasn’t a good idea.

AFTERMATH ON CAMPUS

You could feel the energy of the campus wasn’t the same, but everyone had moved on because they had to. I wanted to be social, but I couldn’t because I didn’t feel comfortable stepping outside. But then I still had to live my normal life. I had to go back to class, things like that…but that was even tough.

I just fought through it and did what I did, and I still got my degree. But even with a lower GPA…I can vouch for it, and it adds to the dimensions of adversity.

[NIU] had the office of Support and Advocacy at the time. Just stepping in there, still not talking to anyone, but feeling it out and realizing, hey, these people are there to help. So the next year and a half, two years, I got plugged in and was the marketing coordinator for them– people were planning events, and then I would spread it to the community.

We would do stuff to get our minds away from things. So we had the opportunity to go watch sporting events. We went to the zoo at one point, went to watch Jersey Boys the musical. And then we also made aware, “Hey, just so you guys know that there's this one part that there's a gun scene.” So we're prepared for when it occurs.

Having like-minded individuals, the fact that they're acknowledging that they've gone through something similar, is definitely beneficial. Because, even if you don't want to talk about it, just being surrounded by them… your tears are validated. Your feelings are validated.

ANNIVERSARIES

There's really no way to put it because even when we talk about anniversaries, usually you think of anniversary if you're married. So how do we even say that because we're not commemorating either.

It's like, hey, it's the 15th anniversary of XYZ, and it's like…what word do we use? There's no official word for a tragedy per se that you would use…

When we were back commemorating our [10 year], our phones were ringing, and Parkland [the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting] happened.

This one just hit me harder. I was like, what's wrong with me? Why do I feel so weak? One of my friends was like, “Think about it, Harold.” I'm like, “No, there's nothing to think about . I'm usually stronger than this. I've seen so many things happen, none of this affects me as much as this one does”.

And I reflected for a split second. I was like, “Oh, that's why… same time, same thing. Right within 10, 15 minutes of each other.”

COMMUNITY

Read Harold’s Letter to Parkland

I went back down [to Florida] because I needed to be down there for the high schoolers.

I came to realize, why not be that resource? I’m good at listening, I’m good at keeping my opinions. But at the same time, making it lighthearted, making fun. Why not be that person you can reach out to and know you’ve gone through something similar, whether it’s trauma through a shooting or any type of trauma. It ends up being like a big umbrella. Trauma is trauma. I’ve been through something similar, we can get through this together and not make you feel like you’re victimized and everything.

The survivors help me, and then I help others. So it’s an ongoing thing. If they need it then they know that they can reach out to me and I can get them connected, whether that’s through my own means or other resources.

There are people that understand you, you have to be open to it, and when the time’s right, you will. But it’s always taking that next step, and that’s the hardest. And, so that's why I do my best to put my foot forward first and just be like, “Hey, I am there for you.”

The [survivors] that do [reach out], they always ask me, “Hey, do you think my feelings are valid?” I listen to them, and obviously, the first thing is to acknowledge it and validate it because people are like, “Hey, is this wrong for me to go through it this way, or is it wrong for me to laugh?” Laughing is part of the process because you’re kind of filtering it through. And if you need to cry, you need to cry. There’s nothing stopping you from any of those emotions, everything you’re feeling is valid.

I touch base on it with my book [One Shot, One Life: A Story of Inspiration] and everything I'm trying to do– don't rush it. Take your time with it. Everyone is different, so don’t let society or outside factors make the decision for you, your time is on your time. If it takes you a year to heal, you can do that.

16 YEARS LATER

So my mental health, I don’t know, I think I’ve been suppressing it. I’m alright. I mean, it’s one of those things you just work through. I’ve come to acknowledge that I’m still human– anxiety can happen any time. PTSD. It's all real, even though you try not to acknowledge it.

I still don’t like loud noises. To be honest, no one knows what a gun actually sounds like. I try to avoid fireworks. But the sound that still affects me the most is any time a car or motorcycle backfires because it really does sound like that. So, even if I’m calm and I hear it, then it triggers… I get super aggravated.

My PTSD triggers at any point, but most of the time– like, seventy-five percent of the time, I have it under control because I want to believe I do. But, sometimes, even as strong as I am, anything can trigger it. You do your best to try to eliminate those things and kind of prepare. Just having that sense of knowing that you’re in control helps.

Sometimes, we need to step back from all the news and media or constant reminders of a specific event as survivors, they can just trigger without a warning. A lot kind of want to be distant from it because who wants to keep commemorating? You just know that the community is still there, and we’re all there for each other.

You’re not alone. You are part of a bigger group that shouldn’t exist, but it does.

Connect with Harold

Harold believes that its important for survivors to connect with one another. If you want to connect with Harold, you can find him on social media at: